Hearts Don't Break Even
by amaven
Summary: One-shot. Male Shepard/Ashley, undetermined amount of time after the end of ME2. Inspired by 'Breakeven' by The Script.


**A/N: On the radio some random day not too long ago I heard the song 'Breakeven' by The Script. I'm not a fan of them, but I liked the song and originally I was thinking 'I should do this song comparing Kaidan' and then I'm like no…wouldn't quite work. And then driving home from work and I heard the song on the radio again and I got the idea for this one-shot. I added in the lyrics of the song in italics, if you can play the song while reading do so, (really a good song, and I think it gives the story more feeling). Frankly I'm excited to share this. I don't do one-shots often, and it's long enough that I considered breaking it into two chapters but…it really has to be altogether. Please review!**

Commander Shepard looked down at the couple sitting at a table. His intense blue eyes narrowed on the woman, then looked over the man. He watched, silently and without being noticed above them.

When the original Normandy had been attacked he had ordered Ashley to leave, get as many of the crew to the evac shuttles as possible and leave. And then he had been caught in an explosion after saving Joker, a few of them actually, and thrown into space to die. She had been the last thing he thought of while he was about to die. Her confident smile, her blunt way of speaking, and how she had shown her sensitive side to him while reciting poetry. He had fallen in love with her during their mission to stop Sovereign. His last thoughts were, 'God, if you are out here in this universe you damn well better take care of her and my crew.' He knew he was about to find out if there was an afterlife or not, and as it became harder to breathe he was quietly hoping that Ashley's faith was correct.

_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,  
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in,  
_

When he had woken up, two years later, in a Cerberus facility, she was one of the first things in his mind again. Hearing that most of his crew and she had survived had been such a relief that he didn't shoot Jacob when he admitted to being in Cerberus.

The next thing that had gone through his head…_two years_. Ashley was a good woman…best he ever had. She would have believed he was dead, like everyone else…she would have moved on. Even if she hadn't, no one was able to tell him how to get in contact with her. She was still working with the Alliance, classified mission. That was his girl. She'd be out, doing her duty to the Alliance…while he was forced to work with Cerberus because they were the only ones looking into the disappearances of the human colonies.

_'Coz I got time while she got freedom,  
'Coz when a heart breaks  
no it don't break even._

That classified mission had put her on the Collectors path in the Terminus Systems, on Horizon. The Illusive Man let a whisper of a rumor that she was there, along with him being alive and working with Cerberus, to incite the attack on Horizon. He and his new team had managed to keep the Collectors from abducting everyone, and Ashley was there to see him.

The reunion had been bittersweet, beginning with a hug and ending with shouting, her calling him a traitorous bastard before quietly saying 'be careful' as she walked away from him. When she had snarled at him, 'I spent the last two years believing you were dead! We had something, Shepard. I…I loved you,' he had tried to recover their moment, explaining that Cerberus had him in a coma while rebuilding him. Mentioning Cerberus was the wrong thing…making her back away with mistrust in her eyes. He would have done anything to never have her look at him like that, but at the same time he was frustrated with her because she couldn't see that he was still trying to fight for the greater good.

The man she was with now was a good guy. He was Alliance, he had been a soldier before transferring to their science division. She had met him while running security for his research base. He had proved himself in his share of battles, he had been on Eden Prime in Jacob's unit and that had made him decide to look into weapon and armor development after seeing the carnage there. It was possible they had known each other on Eden Prime but…could just be a coincidence.

She smiled at him, taking his hand under the table and leaning forward to kiss his cheek. He returned the affection quickly, his hand brushing back a few stray hairs and caressing her cheek.

_Her best days will be some of my worst,  
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,_

He had to look away from the affection, tempted to throw something at them to break them apart. Ashley deserved a good man, one that was able to come to the Citadel without the risk of being arrested for treason.

Selfishly he wondered if he deserved anything. Not her…he doubted he could ever be the man she had fallen in love with years ago again. If anything couldn't he be granted the ability to just walk away? Stop dreaming about her, get one full night sleep without waking up alone and agonizing over the loss?

_  
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,  
'Coz when a heart breaks  
no it don't break even, even no._

It might be wrong to be spying on them, well…it was wrong. But he told himself he was just making sure she was alright. He knew Ashley was very capable of taking care of herself, if she got wind that he was checking in she'd waste no time ripping into him. He still loved her. He couldn't get her back, not while in Cerberus...she had made that clear.

There was this empty part of him with her out of his life. Fighting next to her had been easy, they were aware of each other and moved without needing signals, they were so in sync. He didn't have that kind of relationship with anyone else, and he didn't think he'd ever be able to achieve the kind of trust and relationship that he and Ashley had again, with anyone. She made him better, a better soldier, man, and human being.

_What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you  
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok  
I'm falling to pieces  
I'm falling to pieces_

He wanted to be happy for her, he truly did. It was obvious she was having a good time. It was selfish to want her back for his reasons, and he wouldn't try to get her back. If Ashley was in the mood to give him advice about this situation she'd tell him to man up and move on…well, he was trying.

He was torn up, and upset. Not at her, none of it was her fault. At Saren, the Reapers, the Collectors…it had all fallen on his shoulders. When he had been spaced he has accepted his death…he had done what he could. Then Cerberus, playing the God he had tried to pray to brought him back to life.

The Illusive Man said he was a symbol, that humanity needed him to be alive again. Was being brought back to life a blessing, or a curse? For the galaxy it was a blessing, for him a curse. He may have been able to save the galaxy, again…but he had lost so much.

_They say bad things happen for a reason  
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding_

_'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving  
And when a heart breaks  
no it don't break even, even no.  
_

His hand circled the drink he had ordered, it was untouched and would remain so. He closed his eyes, trying to remind himself that what he and Ashley had was over…but old memories from their time together on the first Normandy were still playing through his head. They wouldn't stop, and had gotten worse since their reunion on Horizon and even worse after he had finally wiped out the Collector threat. He had foolishly thought if he completed his mission that maybe, just maybe, he could come back here and sit down with her…let it be like those old times.

_What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you  
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok  
I'm falling to pieces, yeah  
I'm falling to pieces, yeah  
I'm falling to pieces  
(One still in love  
while the other one's leaving)  
I'm falling to pieces,  
(Cuz when a heart breaks  
no it don't break even)  
_  
He wanted to know if that guy realized how lucky he was, just how uniquely special Ashley was. He quietly entertained the thought of following the guy and having a talk with him to ensure he knew just how lucky he was…but he was just here to observe. And…it was obvious the guy understood how lucky he was. Attentive and charming, they had been dating two months now. That meant Ash really liked this guy, otherwise he would have been booted after two days.

He knew Ashley didn't just run off and date the next guy she met, in fact he knew that the guy she was sitting with now was only the second man she had seen in the past two years…the first one had been shortly before Horizon. Asking Miranda to get that intel had been interesting, but the cold-hearted Cerberus witch understood and got it done.

_You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,  
You took your suitcase, I took the blame._

Horizon had been a long time ago, now. Or at least that is what his crew kept trying to remind him of, but it seemed so fresh in his mind still. Fresher than passing through the Omega 4 Relay…which he knew happened after Horizon.

How had Ashley moved on? If she was being honest, and he had never known her to lie to him, then how did she move on after he had died if she had truly loved him? He guessed it was different, she believed he was dead. Maybe that was why he was having such a difficult time…because she was still there. He couldn't move on because she was alive and with someone else.

_  
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.  
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name._

Why did this have to hurt so bad? He would rather get shot in the bone, at least he knew how to numb and heal that pain. There had only been a few serious women for him over the years, with his career he was lucky he even got that much. Before Ashley it had been a string of one-night stands, flings…no connections, and emotional ties. Better for him and the woman, he figured. Only now he was remembering why he had given up on relationships. 'God, damn it…just get me through this without hurting her again,' he said to himself, more of a curse than a prayer.

He was still with Cerberus, they were still the galaxy's best and only chance at standing against the Reapers. Hopefully the preserved Collector Base would give them an extra edge to whatever it is the Reapers have planned next. Maybe when they were through Cerberus would be heroes…instead of terrorists. He didn't care about Cerberus' reputation, though…wasn't even sure he cared about his anymore.

_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,  
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in,  
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,  
'Coz when a heart breaks  
no it don't break, no it don't  
break, no it don't break even no.  
_

"Shepard" Ashley gasped, spotting him from his lookout point. His lips parted in surprise at being caught, but it was too late to hide again. "I…I'll be right back, Bill."

She jogged up the stairs to the balcony spot he had, walking up to him and looking him over. He could understand her added surprise, the cybernetics used to put him together were an eerie red glow in the dim light of the bar, highlighting the cracks in his skin. Even his eyes were glowing red with cybernetic implants, he just didn't care enough about his appearance to have it fixed. "What are you doing here, Shepard?"

"I had some time while the ship gets supplies loaded. Came for a drink," he said. "Sorry…I didn't know you would be here."

"Sure you didn't," she said, sitting down. She looked at him with her eyebrows pulled together, glancing at the Cerberus emblem he still wore on his shirt, "What have you been doing?"

_What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you_

He shrugged, "Working."

"That's it? You hiding Cerberus secrets now?" she asked, her voice angry.

_What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok_

"I have to go, Ash," he said, standing up. "You…uh…have a good time."

"Wait…" she said, standing up as well. "How have you been, Shepard? Are you okay?"

_I'm falling to pieces, yeah  
I'm falling to pieces, yeah  
I'm falling to pieces,  
(One still in love  
while the other one's leaving)  
I'm falling to pieces,  
(Cuz when a heart breaks  
no it don't break even)  
_

She didn't get it…or maybe she did. Being betrayed by the Council and the Alliance had hurt him, he barely gave a damn about anyone anymore. Being spurned by her had been harder than all of it. He could get revenge on the Council and Alliance, he even secretly hoped the Illusive Man was planning something. But her…he'd never get even with her. None of this was her fault. She was being herself. True Alliance soldier, true to her family, true to herself…and honest with him. She had become a valued soldier, getting the Williams name off the Alliance blacklist. She continued to prove that she was better than her rank. She was a great woman.

And him? He worked for Cerberus, a terrorist organization with a shady past and a just as shady present and future. He didn't like them, but he didn't like anyone anymore. He had gone from a hero, to a menace. He used to do everything in his power to protect innocents…now all he did was kill the enemy and anyone who got in his way.

_  
Oh, it don't break even, no  
Oh, it don't break even, no  
Oh, It don't break even, no_

He nodded and managed a smile, "Yeah, I'm alright, Ash. Take care."


End file.
